Five years ago I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Renal Cell Carcinoma, stage 2 of 3. I had a partial nephrectomy of my right kidney. About a year after, my ex husband had an affair, that's why he's my ex. He was never supportive and wouldn't allow me to talk about the cancer. He said, "If I talked about it, it meant I wanted it to come back!
Thanks for the reply. It's not just about me and my experience.
When and why did you decide to have a mastectomy?
It's the overall idea that there is a "before" and "after" cancer, when in reality, for so many people this is simply not reality. I am a young, single person who was diagnosed early stage and then after aggressive treatment, I metastasized.
No one was more shocked by this than me. I am not alone. It is so frustrating to read things that are designed to help, but then they include language like "after cancer. The social workers need to understand that many, many, many, many cancer patients will be dealing with cancer on an ongoing basis in one way or another and that they too are looking for life skills and just some basic understanding.
Some simple language adjustments could go a long way. And yes I have advanced stage cancer, but I am in remission and healthy, too.
But my life is not "after cancer" and never will be. I don't need my own newsletter but I shouldn't have to school a social worker either! Maybe I have learned too much way too soon, but I am fighting the good fight for those not as healthy as me. Thank you again for your insight. There are also groups that address the impact of living with advanced cancer.
I have had stage 2 breast cancer, double mastectomy and radiation. I have been single for 7 years, with my diagnosis occurring in June I think this is an important issue and would be interested in hearing others experiences and how they dealt with it. As I returned to dating post treatment, I thought that revealing my health history would be a significant turning point - a make it or break point in a new relationship, and certainly anxiety provoking.
I tended to reveal my medical history early, as that was what felt right for me. To their credit, what I found was that the men I dated were more interested in me as a person rather than the diagnosis. My journey still continues, but I am comforted in knowing that there are people out there who can see beyond the scars both mental and physical that we live with on a day to day basis. You can learn about the experiences of others and share yours if you wish.
Thank you for your comment. I live with Non hodgekins lymphoma. After two years of treatment I thought I would have a break, Im now waiting for a biopsy to see if my cancer has become more agressive. Im also disabled.
Dating after breast cancer surgery
I have no social connections in my small town. I have two strikes against me when meeting someone on an online dating. To tell the truth online you get sympathy and the wrong replies.
I dont want sympathy for my situation. I also dont want sex. Intimacy and honesty was important for me before cancer. Thats lacking in many online dating sites.
Here my dumb question, is there a legeimat site with people who are honest about living with Cancer? This is going to be with me for the rest of my life. More important than my question is what I think about women who are in treatment, there is nothing more attractive than a woman with a bald head. My eyes see the beautybof your face.
My second opinion has to do with women who have had masetomys.
It doesnt make you less beautiful in my eyes. We spend too much time defing sex and perfection in society. Everyones expections are too high, people become narsistic. If you are a patient, please contact your treatment center with any questions. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, please call immediately or go to the nearest emergency room. This form is not intended for emergencies.
Reconstruction after Breast Cancer - Pam's Story
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Ghani, MD Oscar B. Goodman, Jr. Igid, MD Karen S. Jacks, MD Clark S. Jean, MD G. Kingsley, MD Anthony V. If anyone has any advice for me, I would really appreciate it. I am 42 years old and do not want to live the rest of my life without a special man by my side. I am not quite where you are, but almost. My partner was just awful through my treatment and even my so called recovery.
He had just lost his Mum to cancer when I was dxd. He blamed me, left me, charged me for taking me for treatments, got all religeous on me: "You deserve cancer because you come from a family of heathens, who don't go to church on a sunday"?
Like 'He' ever did? I am still with him and we are trying to rebuild, Maybe this is not possible. I understand you wanting to be honest and not lead a perspective long-term relationship down the garden path. I really am mainly still with him because I moved from england to canada to be with him, there is nobody else here apart from HIS family.
That 'C' word really scares the heck out of people, I play it down so much now, you's think it was a dose of measles Hope this helps NooooOf course it won't But at 42 you are way to young to think about being alone The cancer was a glitch. I bet you have loads going for you, and you are still the same person as you were before Hi Lisa, Im also 42, divorced and dating, and I like you seem to find that once I mention that Im a cancer survivor, men pull away. Is it that they are shallow, or dont want to start something that may end due to cancer?
The area may be black and blue right after breast cancer surgery. This will go away in a few days. You might be numb, uncomfortable, or have tingling on the inner part of your upper arm or in your. Breast cancer may bring challenges in love, sex, and thefoodlumscatering.com answers to common questions for women with breast cancer. Will my marriage . After I survived Breast Cancer my husband decided he did not love me anymore. He left while I was recouperating.I Ended with lymphedemia and any and all side effects from the Arimedex. He to have a cataract operation.I was told the treatment I was .
I dont hide the fact I fought cancer, Im only 7 months from my last treatment, so I still have side effects to deal with, and I just dont hide my fight. I have recently met a man, who I have gone out with several times, he asked me about my scar on the side of my nose and I didnt want to tell him, was trying to think of something to say that would be cool or funny to say about it, then decided I had to just tell him.
I told him a short version of my cancer battle.
Oct 01, How one woman battled breast cancer-and the L.A. dating scene-and came out on top. Donate to help vulnerable communities cope with COVID DONATE SearchAuthor: Lisa Kate David.
Normally thats when the date gets uncomfortable and ends quicker and I never hear from them again. But instead he put his arm around my waist and smiled and said your a strong woman to go through that and stand here smiling like it was just a bad day at the office, he just gave me a hug and smiled.
Hasnt mentioned it since. I talk to him everyday. I dont know if it will go anywhere, and plan to just take one day at a time, but he was the first to not run. Its hard enough dating healthy, add Cancer to you dating resume and you weed out the jerks really quik LOL. Maybe its a good thing they run in the beginning and not when your heart is vested.
I absolutely commend you for going out there and dating again! That's brave. But then again, fighting cancer ain't no small thing either. Sometimes, that's scary to men. I agree that perhaps it would be better to ease into the cancer info rather than being upfront about it.
I find my cancer battle a very personal and private thing. And I think it's a privilege for anyone to know about it. So, if you frame it like that, then perhaps you can wait until the second or third date before you share such personal, sensitive information. I'm heading towards the end of the cancer battle remission around the corner, fingers crossed. And while my boyfriend stuck with me through it all, I'm feeling distance and sort of an impatience in him that may lead to parting ways.
This I'm not looking forward to because I think that cancer is just the first part of the battle, living with and contending with the longer side effects of chemo is another. So, it would be nice if he stuck around for that the "stretch" as I call it.
But who knows? The prospect of going out there again and dating is a daunting one for me.
Jean Campbell, MS, is a breast cancer survivor and advocate, and the founding director of the American Cancer Society Patient Navigator Program. Doru Paul, MD, is board-certified in internal medicine, medical oncology, and hematology. If you are having a mastectomy for breast cancer treatment of prophylaxis, you will most likely have surgical. Jul 10, Dating After Cancer: A Daunting Challenge Yet many single men and women shut down their dating site profiles after cancer and its complications, which can range from body-altering surgery to. Breast reconstruction after surgery. Many woman having surgery for breast cancer might have the option of breast reconstruction. A woman having a mastectomy might want to consider having the breast mound rebuilt to restore the breast's appearance after surgery. In some breast-conserving surgeries, a woman may consider having fat grafted into.
So, kudos to you ladies! And good luck out there. There must be strong MEN floating about in the world. Well crap, I am a man.
And like I tell my daughters "men are all dogs". We sniff around looking for a free meal. We head to the garbage sometimes as its easy and we don't have to perform tricks or get attached to a food bowl. We run away when we get a chance and chase everything in town. And when we get hit by a car we don't stay away from the road. We try to bite every car that comes down the road. Its a much harder struggle in life finding that dog that is faithful and deserving of your love. If a man is so shallow that cancer or a disability bothers him then you don't want him anyway.
I can't imagine how bad of a relationship that would be over the long run. There are men out there that will embrace the fine qualities you have to offer. The wisdom you gained during your struggle with cancer and your ability to enjoy even the smallest things in life.
And that man will learn how lucky he is to have found such a strong woman with a huge giving heart. If I was single I would come here looking for a woman that loves life and enjoys each day she has been given. It would be hard to find a woman anywhere else with a greater appreciation of life. You are all quite special to me. Slickwilly - I just read this post of yours and hope you see my response. I wish somebody had told me that about men about 25 years ago.
Would have saved me a lot of money, heartache and I would probably be living happily in Seattle right now. Hi I met my husband 4 years ago, he had had oral cancer and a neck dissection 3 years previously.
On our first date I asked him about his scar and he told me about his cancer and honestly my first response was to run away I was terrified of falling in love with someone who might get cancer again and maybe die. I had to think about it and needless to say we kept dating : I decided I would rather spend whatever days we had than to just run away. Well he got cancer again, he just went through another huge surgery and i slept in the hospital with him all 8 days.
I seriously didnt think he would get cancer again or at least not for Many years, he is only 39 now. The odds that he will get another cancer are high but I am sticking it out.
I love him. You will find someone who deserves you! I've been through the post-divorced dating scene and find the thought of "putting myself out there" again terrifying.
If, after having been through both cancer and divorce, you still have the courage to venture into the unknown, you are a much stronger and adventurous person than I. Hi girls, I'm not in your shoes have a wonderful, supportive husband but if I were, I wouldn't "settle" for anything but the best.
There are men out there that will walk a tight-rope for you, just give it time. Rick and Slickwilly are two of the greatest guys I've ever met and if they can see the beauty in a woman with cancer, so can many other men.
Please don't give up; you're relatively new to the post-cancer world and it can be very scary. I am praying that you will find "Mr. Wonderful" and have the comfort of true love and life-long companionship.
I can't even accept that there are no men willing to get to know a strong, compassionate, beautiful woman who has been through the battle that you have and come out a winner. Guys, please say it ain't so I am very appreciative of your kudos, plaudits, and accolades. Cancer and dating is just as frightening for men as it is for women, especially if it involves the male sexual organs.
Being candid about issues such as sterility or "dry" ejaculations can put the brakes on any promising relationship and, believe me, I've been there. I found it more comfortable just to refrain from dating and settle into a safe secure routine.
Feb 11, "Dating was hard and scary even before you had cancer, and all of those fears are probably still there after the cancer," says Memorial Sloan Kettering clinical social worker Barbara Golby. "Only now you're dealing with the fears and insecurities that come up as a . Nov 04, A mastectomy is a surgery to remove all breast tissue from a breast in order to treat or prevent breast cancer. (A lumpectomy, a surgery to remove only the tumor from the breast, may be an option Author: Hayley Macmillen. As if dating wasn't an adventure in itself already, how does one continue or "get back in the game" during and after cancer? thefoodlumscatering.com offers these tips about dating during cancer treatments and after beating breast cancer. Remember breast cancer is not who you are.
Besides, I no longer have the funds for wining and dining beyond an occasional sandwich out with friends. So, there you have it. Men have similar anxieties and insecurities where dating is concerned. But, sometimes, just when you stop looking, that's when you find, or rather, that special person finds you! Let's keep our collective fingers crossed for those of us who haven't found what you and your husband have. Rick, I am always amazed at your courage and honesty.
I,too, have some of the same issues from my rectal surgeries. Thankfully, my husband is patient and I am determined so I need an extra pain-killer on those "special occasion". I try to keep the "fun" in sexual dysfunction!!
I am just a die-hard optimist, I guess. I feel the strength, courage and beauty in so many cancer-survivors and I just can't fathom that being a deficit in anyone's mind. Call me crazy but aren't we all going to experience some form of illness in our lives?
Don't people in the dating world understand the certainty that we will all end up facing death at some point?
If a man or woman for that matter can't see the value of experience and learned compassion of a person who's been through this battle then they don't deserve the chance to be a prospect for these girls!
And, by the way, if I were single, I'd be knocking on your door right now; be very glad, my friend, that I have someone to occupy my time-LOL!! I cried reading each one of your replies, because ya'll understand.
I feel such a relief in knowing that there are people who can understand and listened to what I'm feeling. And I'm happy to tell ya'll that I had a lunch date today with a really nice man. One day at a time, we'll see how it goes. At least he didn't go running in the opposite direction. After ya'll replies and today's lunch date, I feel hopeful again. I appreciate ya'll and wish the best for all of you too.
Ya'll are right, we will find the right person, when the time is right. And ya'll are also right, if he can't take the fact that I have had cancer and so far 5 years cancer free have to take tests then he's not worth it and doesn't deserve me. People need to realize, "We didn't choose cancer, it chose Us. I am so glad that you have moved into the dating arena again. There is no doubt that you have alot to offer the right man when he comes along.
Take it slow. You have every right to be treated with the respect you deserve. If a man is too lazy to open a door or complains about having to wait while you put on makeup to look better for him, then kick him out the door. If he does not treat you with respect now, you will be a doormat later. Holy I am sounding like a father again ha ha.
Good luck Lisa. I hope only for the best in your future. Slickwilly you are awesome. Thank you for the advice and all the nice things you said. Both my parents have passed away and I didn't want to put added pressure on my son and daughter, even though they are adults. They are strong and overprotective of me, but have enough to deal with, me and starting their lives. So, thankfully I turned to ya'll, my friends. And I will take it slow, because I do want the door opened for me, etc.
Thank you again. I so glad to have met you. Good luck to you too. Well I have officially been dating my current boyfried for a couple months. I originally told him about my cancer in the beginning and hadnt mentioned it since. He was complaining about his sinus's, and I told him I know all about sinus problems and suggested he try using a sinus rinse to help alleviate his congestion. He looked at me and said so you have sinus problems huh I think I starred at him for what seemed like forever So I sat him down, pulled out the photo album and made sure he understood it this time.
He got the long story, not the short abbreviated one I gave him the first time. After he realized what exactly I had been through he apolgized, gave me a hug and told me I was one heck of a strong woman. I think I am still in shock that he thought I was kidding. Now lets see if there is a date this weekend I don't know if it's because we're the same age or what, but I feel a bond with you. Thank you for your advice. I am so happy for you. You found what I'm looking for.
Great idea pulling out the album and showing him exactly what you went through. That's how I feel. I just want to be honest and let him know what I've been through and this is a part of my life. But I'm not giving up. Yeah, this is something no one would ever joke about, I agree with you. Who knows what he was thinking when you told him the first time.
I am so glad I met you and again thanks for sharing and your advice. Good luck to you. Hi Tim nice to meet you. Read and take the advice of the all these people, correction my friends. Because of them, I feel I have hope of meeting someone. I was ready to give up and got onto the discussion board and met the most wonderful people. I know not all men are that way, it's just that everyone I met was.
Divorce, Starting Over, and Dating after Cancer
Mention cancer and they were off and running. It wonderful to meet a man like you. And now I have a new friend. Dear Lisa and Tim, I hope that both of you have realized from our responses that there are so many people who understand and appreciate you. Don't ever sell yourself short- you are strong, compassionate and wonderful human beings and if someone treats you with less than the highest regard, get rid of them!!!
You know that the deficit lies with them and not yourselves. Be kind to yourselves and trust that you will find that "special" person when the time is right. You didn't come this far to give up now, did you? Of course not! You look in that mirror at home and see the fighter you are and know that anyone who ends up with you is one very lucky person! Best of Luck to You, Hollyberry. Thank you hollyberry.
I didn't think very much of myself before I asked for advice on divorce, starting over, and dating. I wish I had of thought of this a long time ago. I felt rejected, disrespected, and less than nothing by my ex husband. So, of course, my self-esteem and self confidence was non-existant. But thanks to all of you, I'm regaining all of this. Before I got sick I was the strong person in the family. My cancer just floored me and of course my ex and his cheating.
Then starting over is hard. And dating is even harder. The things you said are so true and now my head and my heart know it.
And I did what you said, I looked in the mirror and saw the fighter I've always been. So, from now on I'm Looking Forward Thanks so much and Good Luck to you!
Today was a ruff day ended up talking with a rep with ACS to much going on at one time but they put my brains back on straight it meant a lot to talk with them i needed it and then reading you post and Lisas made my day end out good i try not to stress wich is bad but just words of keep going you will make it bring me strength Thanks to both North Fl Tim. Well i must admit i have been bumming around since march and just asking a lot of questions about life things people and me like what did i do what did i come into contact with?
But most of all i must admit when people sort of starting to back away it hurt but i pulled up my boot straps and came out of the swamps of north fl LOL but am a better person for all thats happening now thanks Lisa D words are always a comfort and mean more than you know right now in my case it,s a plus Tim In North Fl.
Hey Tim, Lately I've been thanking all my new friends for their support, because I was in the same place you are. They made me realize that I need to focus on myself and my strength and things will work out. I was so down on myself, I had just given up on everything and cried alot. I felt defected and thought who's going to want to be with me. I'm glad I wrote when I did. I got some amazing advice and now look at things differently.
And you do the same!! Yes it hurts when people find out and they pull away, but like I was told, they are just not deserving of us. We have had the fight of our lives and some of us will for the rest of our lives.