Paddy is in love. There are times [when our relationship] has plummeted to the depths whereby we were both ready to give up. A flicker of joy and recognition. The person they knew and love is still there, somewhere deep down inside. Those moments are what the person longs for.
This leads to fear. Fear leads to desperation. A desperate man is an easily controlled man. This is why a healthy, fulfilling relationship is a rare sight. Most relationships are toxic as fuck. You only have control over your life. Understanding this fact is all you need to be successful. Therefore, I focus on teaching the mindsets that are best for BPD relationships. I have over ten years of experience dating highly emotional women. This causes you to be weak. A borderline woman needs a man who is strong.
She wants to feel your strength. This is why she pulls away believe it or not. ALL women live in the moment. You could be an amazing boyfriend for 10 years.
Guess what? You got to be a man and let her go. This is why you need strong, powerful mindsets. This will push her away even further.
Men with experience know to never chase a woman. True love comes from those who are able to detach! Most individuals who struggle with BPD relationships have a form of attachment disorder. Not surprisingly, this is most men! It feeds those attachment issues you have. You love the feeling of being close and affectionate. You love intimacy. Do you want to know what true love is?
You often hear about the fear of abandonment. But, your very act of wanting to be with her everyday is enabling her. She smells your weakness and leaves. This is why men who fail in BPD relationships are often the cause of her pain. These men are enablers. They are making her worse by being weak.
It is the only true way to show love to a borderline. Most guys and girls have trouble dealing with Borderlines in their relationships. Thanks to the crazy society we live in, this is a monumental task. But, most people struggle with relationships in general these days. We live in the age of toxic relationships. One girl I was dating had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship a few months before. She told me how it was an extremely toxic relationship.
So why the hell did she stay with a douchebag for 5 years? It is something that just happens. It took a few months of seeing this woman casually for her to open up to me emotionally. This is normal since most women are jaded. The relationship is toxic from the beginning. It will teach you the strong mindsets you need in order to have successful relationships. Most guys are making crucial errors that push the girl away even further. My mission with this website is to help you avoid the land mines.
I want you to make it through the minefield unscathed. I commend you for seeking help. Women that have BPD and seek help for it have my full respect and are capable of great improvement. I think these two women let their hatred towards men cloud their consept of reality.
Dating a woman with borderline personality disorder
So I would rather use one word; feminist. And that Rich agrees, I find a little disturbing. Else, love your articles and the way you make bpd, dating etc a positive thing :. I could never express in words all of this. I wanna feel a life grow in me, so bad. You got to be careful. The red flag in your comment is the fact that you feel the need to fall in love. You also talk about having a child. Be careful! While you sound like a good person in general, you will only hurt yourself by caving into your emotional desires at this time.
Never wear your heart on your sleeve. Take your time with it. Let it develop organically, on its own. It comes from holding it back, never giving it out freely to the world. So enjoy this boyfriend of yours, but be careful. I would suggest you date for at least 2 years and him being fully committed before having a child with anyone.
Thank you for this great article. I live with my BPD girlfriend that I diagnosed all by myself, with no education or training that would qualify to make such a diagnosis and I am having some trouble. I have learned to manage all her problems except for one: her constant search for the perfect guy. Like any borderline, she used to think I was perfect. She thought this of every guy she has dated. She has left every guy she has ever dated for someone else. How do I compete with this fiction in her head?
Her ex-boyfriend acted like he was James Bond, and she left him anyway. She sometimes cries and misses him, usually when we get into a fight. Do I really have to be on my best behavior all the time or risk losing her? Any tips are appreciated. And this is true for all relationships.
And this is really key for all relationship health, not just BPD relationships. I am having a tough situation here, similar with the one above. We have been together for a year. On the surface, people think that we are a pair of sweet couple, we are sweet most of the time, but just a sentence and make her feeling upside down, or a noise, just like dropping my wallet, putting the cup onto the table. I wanna explain to her, and she reject and said she is the poorest person in the world who need to suffer like that, I am crazy and shout her like a dog.
She sometimes says I put her in a cage and she need to go out and feel the world. On the other day, she said I dun find her after work. She values me very much to her friends, they told me, but at the same time keep saying I am not suitable for her. If I say I am hurt, she said she made me feel like that so she must be not loving me anymore and I should go, and then after an hour she hug me and said she just dun wanna me leaving her.
I dunno if she really have BPD, just a friend of her, who is a doctor, told me the other day I might need to check this out. But I simply feel like she is easy to be triggered to the point that is not even making sense at all. To be honest, I am a human being, she need me to be perfect, strong, dun have fear, and I cannot even cry!
I am also not a very strong person. I am strong at work, but I am weak in heart. My anxiety disorder is coming back. I am like constantly battle with myself. Sorry to hear about your anxiety my friend. I would recommend you spend your time working on this part of you so you can have a strong heart.
You will NOT find a strong heart through your partner. You can only find this through your own self. Oh, one more thing. I know many people whose mental illness is triggered later in their life and they could have had a good upbringing. Mental illness does not discriminate and can get anyone even if nothing has ever happened to you as a kid.
I have more issues with my dad and a friend of mine is surrounded mostly by men. But I like this blog and will recommend it if I ever find someone who is dating one of us. Great comment and thanks. Time to start sending everyone here instead of bamily :. I have had an on and off relationship with a girl I diagnosed with BPD. She dragged me back in and this time I started out with a totally different mindset and it worked for a while.
We just slowed things down and then we found out she was pregnant. I moved in shortly after we found out we were expecting to save on expenses. I did everything to make her life easy while she was pregnant. We told everyone and my family was thrilled!! She was very hormonal and we started to fight once I lived there. She did the pulling away thing and hated to be touched which started to damage the once amazing sex life. I begged her not to got my things and moved out hoping it would give her the space she needed.
Two days later she called me to tell me she had the procedure done. Now that its all said and done she feels horrible that she dragged everyone in my family into this mess.
She now thinks that we can help each other through this pain that she has caused. I am emotionally and physically a wreck now. What should I do?!? You really have to be incredibly independent to date these women. It really depends on each individual person. But I have found over and over again that the more independent you are, the more self-confident you become.
And when you have this confidence and feelings of self-worth, you have much more control over yourself. This makes the relationship drastically more successful. Greetings RickThanks. Hey John, that is the key. And I ate it every year. Thanks in advance! I was her first in high school. We went our separate ways and reconnected after 25 years.
She attempted suicide about 6 months ago. Her third attempt. A month ago, she got angry with me and threw a full beer bottle. She also slapped and hit my 20 year old son who witnessed that bottle throwing. I made her move out shortly after. Highly successful in our professional careers, etc. I have been willing to try to work things out. What is she trying to tell me? As I often say, you must be objective and look at the actual, specific behaviors that are occurring in your relationship.
Well, physical abuse. She also goes quiet for days on me. She calmly told me how her relationships never last more than three months and how some poor bloke went suicidal after she dumped him. My resaerch on her led me to BPD and Narcissism.
How can I help her and is there a way of getting her to warm up to me again? I cant believe this disease. My exgf slapped me threatened me with cops because I found her celexa meds by accident.
One day she is sweet as can be and then attacks me with verbal disrespect, wanting sex and and then denying me sex and then wanting it again.
She broke up with me every week and wouldnt talk to me for days and then come back acting like it was all my fault. I am heart broken because we were friends first and she never acted this way.
Do BPd people have a problem only with intimacy or do they do this to everyone. The last straw for me was that she always put everyone she knew down calling them the most vile crap I ever heard.
Then she acts like their friend. I couldnt take it and told her I was ending it. She actually said she is confused why I wanted to walk away. I miss the good in her but I dont understand the craziness.
Why wont she talk to me. She came back everytime, but when I showed her I wasnt taking this she left? Also one last questionshe told me she cares about me and wanted me back but her problem is that she has deep issues and I am triggering issues within her. She basically told me the sex we were having was too much for her because I could do anything I wanted to her and she would want me.
What does this mean. What did I trigger? I am completely against medication to calm illness because all it does is cover up a deeper problem. How about if she is more negative on herself than anything? Saying anything positive in response to her bashing herself or her life just produces more negative. Any advice on at least toning this crap down? One of my exes did exactly this to me as I kept improving: getting my own car, then my own place, then a great job, etc. What you need to do is step up.
I hate it. I absolutely cannot stand it. Drop the bombs on her man. Girls want straight truth. Most guys instead try to fix them and be positive and make them feel better. I found your article incredibly helpful, realistic and eye opening. I really think your points, if kept in consideration, will really help me out in my dating life.
It has nothing to do with intelligence at all. Exactly, dating a BPD is all about 1 changing your mindsets. They are the only kind of men that end up in healthy relationships. I also found your article really great. I was dating girl with BPD and after 5 month we broke up because I caught her cheating on me.
Since that time I broke up any contact with her and moved on by taking care of my own needs and wishes.
After 4 months of no contact she tries to get back in my life sending sms or writing. First thing what I said very clearly was - I will not play your games and I need my space, my time, my life!
Now she contacts me once in two weeks and try to win my trust back. And even then, be incredibly cautious about getting close. Also, be sure to join my email newsletter if you like the advice and tips that I provide. I write often and provide even more gold almost everyday straight to your inbox.
Its quite refreshing to see this. I recently read a few other blogs and so forth about dating people with BPD and was deeply hurt to see that most people had deemed them undatable and have demonized them.
I suffer with BPD and am currently trying my best to recover by seeking professional help. I was contemplating on whether to end my life or not based on the previous web pages I saw -bashing people with BPD and claiming they are undatable. Of course that stung me and quite deeply. It was through the break-up of my first boyfriend that had started the process. I had tried to end my life three times last year due to missing my ex and the fact that my life flipped upside down.
I felt lost. Anyways, my Doctor got me into Cognitive Therapy. I had looked back on my previously relationship and had learned a lot about myself and what I had done wrong.
He was abusive both verbally and physically. He, his family, and his friends all labelled me as a crazy psycho. He rubbed it in my face. It hurt a lot. For awhile, this yearI felt lost. A positive note. I have diminished the amount of times I argue with people quite a bit. I do plan on in seeking mental help to recover. I just hope that I will find a man who will love me for who I am.
I am aware of that I have it and hope that I can control myself. Its really hard, but I constantly force myself in line. I really am thankful to see someone put BPD in a positive light when talking about dating a person suffering with BPD.
It means a lot. I have always said that the first step for any person, whether they have BPD or not, is to admit that they have problems and then work on solving these problems. BPD comes in a ton of different sizes and shapes - no two are alike. Most people have emotional problems that they never confront.
The way I unlearned my codependency habits was by first facing the issue head on. I have been battling BPD for years rather unsuccessfully.
My current boyfriend, for instance, used to bend over backwards for me and it made it difficult for me to continue dating him due to my lack of respect for his behavior. He actually went after me for nearly a year before I finally began dating him. I would like to say that before him, I have tended to date men who were very abusive to me either physically or emotionally.
Not all, but most. Most of the men I have dated I fell for hard and the break ups always destroyed me. But it grew and now I feel lost without him. He is tired and drained from my behavior and I am desperately trying to finish my masters while juggling my emotions and my the fear of losing him.
I know that another break up will set me back, and for the first time I am dating someone who genuinely cares. I want to fix myself now before it is to late. And although I know I will probably always battle my tumultuous emotions, I need someway to center myself instead of lashing out like a horrible hurricane of emotion. Advice would be welcome, and I have some other things I would possibly like to speak with you over email about in order to get an idea of what I need to do to simply find peace.
Thank you for posting this and for your time.
Dating a Girl With BPD Starts With Better Mindsets
Alyssa February 4, at pm Hello,you are just an absolutey wanderful woman to of said what I just read,I have been in a relationship with a woman for 3 years that had the mom problems early in life and all the rest,I tried to save her. Your problem Cameron is that you are trying to save a girl. Every time I tell her this however, she turns up the infatuation, and once my ego has been sufficiently fed she pulls back again. It is a constant power struggle. She says no until I say yes. Then I say no until she says yes.
It is all very exciting as is the turmoil. All is well and good, I suppose and with that verbose amount of exposition it brings me to my question. How do I firmly establish my dominance?
Is it simply ignoring her for long periods of time? Simply, I am bored of the game. I am not without fault. Do I lead a double life? Do I just shut down and constantly wait for her to come to me? Take accountability for yourself and see a therapist stat. BUT, I will be looking in to getting your book as my partner and I need to find strategies with how to cope and deal with me and my anger, controlling and negativity. On the first day she asked me when i am going to marry her i said lets speak to her parents and start things for the wedding.
My disorder ruined all of my past relationships and its ruining my marriage. All of you guys are right about bpd females. We have impulsiveness and do things without thinking first or do things out of hatred. I want help but none of my meds are working or theraphy. Bpd is a serious illness. Its not an excuse or a joke! Notice how all these mass murderers are all on meds?
Meds create way more problems that these personality disorders. You simply need to learn to get control over your behavior. I have an entire course on BPD that helps people gain this control and confidence.
But you also need a man that actually has thick skin. Untreated borderlines NEED drama. When things get too quiet, a borderline starts to fear that she quite literally does not exist. She also starts to fear that the other person will have no reason to stick around.
Jun 01, † She advises, "If I was someone who had a borderline personality and I started dating somebody, I'd talk more about how attachment is difficult for me. I really need someone who is thefoodlumscatering.com: Ashley Laderer. Apr 19, † In the worst of times, he likens dating someone with Borderline Personality Disorder to having a relationship with someone who has dementia. "Sometimes they look into their parent's eyes and they see a spark. A flicker of joy and recognition. The person they knew and love is still there, somewhere deep down thefoodlumscatering.com: Elisabet Kvarnstrom. Welcome to my life with borderline personality disorder (BPD). It's not the first time I've "lost it" in a relationship. Let's just say I've attempted the whole dating thing more than a few times, but my relationships all seem to end the same way (I'll give you a hint, I'm still single).
Therefore, she starts a drama to bring the focus back on her. Your needs will not matter; your dreams will mean nothing; your successs or failures you will experience on your own because borderlines do not have an ability to empathize the self-consumption of their illness gives them no room to do so. In fact, the more succesful you become in life, the more the borderlines will sabotage your relationship.
If you become too succesful, you might abandon her for someone less broken. Thanks for the good comment. You must always take care of yourself first no matter what.
And it can get tough. We dated for about a year and she wound up dumping me. I could see the writing on the wall at around the 8 month mark. I endured the insults and took many of them in stride. When she would pull back, I would incessantly try to dig into what was triggering her actions.
Admittedly, I took a lot of crap from this woman and did not defend myself. I was disappointed in myself a bit with that the day she broke up. She went quiet for a while, came back a few hours later and said yes.
She was done. I read somewhere to let her come to meif she never does, I never stood a chance anyway. They see love in an entirely different way. At the same time, she could be sitting there wishing for you to grab her and tell her to stop bring ridiculous or something. Either way, the more loud and aggressive you are with a BPD and not taking crap, them ore successful the relationship. You need to have a back bone and not let her walk on you.
What puzzles me is that she has never come out and said she has some sort of mental illness, but she has excused herself in advance for some of the behaviors, as if to ask for permission to behave the way she does. So the fear comes to a head every now and then and manifests itself.
This therapy suggestion definitely comes on the heels of her being really fearful. Another question is. Not hers. We control our own actions, reactions and behaviors. No, I would not go with her to therapy. If she wants to then let her. You should only become concerned about BPD if she starts physically damaging your items or trying to attack you or something.
I had an ex break my windshield. Crazy BPD. For the last 7 years, I have been dating a girl who recently was diagnosed with BPD. The first 3 years of the relationship were great, then I made the mistake of talking to other girls and this destroyed our bond. We got back together and things seemed to be progressing, but we were always off and on.
Then last year during one of our breaks, she began seeing another guy. About a month went by, our anniversary and she called me and told me that she wanted to change and wanted me in her life. I allowed her back in, but was cautious. She slowly developed a love for electric dance music and going raving with her friends. This bothered her, until I got her pregnant. During the pregnancy, she was very in love with me and treating me like she never had before.
I am very religious, so I wanted to keep it. I supported her because it was ultimately her decision. Several days after that, she asked that we take a break. I understood because I knew she had been through a lot. The past 2 months I had been in contact with her and she kept saying she needed more time. I asked her numerous times if there was anyone else, and she always said no.
Recently, I found several pictures of her with a guy on the internet. She had been dating him since January, and I had no idea the same guy she left me for last year. I was crushed. She is still dating him, but we have been talking.
But in the pictures, there were cheesy love comments back and forth from the two of them. What is the best way to proceed? Is she coming back? So messed up. Any help would be appreciated. She always had a crush on me but to me she was just a nice girl. We always talked on and off and we ended up being really good friends, A few years back she was dating some dude and started ignoring me so I deleted her from facebook.
Months passed, she added me and apologized and we started talking again. Fast forward to last May when she told me she was sick and and had to get surgery. She then told me her last boyfriend forced her to have sex with her and made her have 2 abortions.
She ended up moving away because everything and everyone around here always stressed her out. I thought we would still keep in touch but she ended up ignoring me again. To make matters worse, I saw her in a pic with her ex. She also told me some other stuff which helps her fit the BPD profile. She goes to therapy and claims she is bi-polar. This sweet girl I once knew had these skeletons in the closet I never knew she could have. Not looking for any advice or anything, just wanted to let some stuff out.
No words or anything you do will bring her around at this point. I have dated a bdp-girl who I diagnosed myself without education. We have been living together since last summer. I am a karaoke-host and she always wants to come to my workplace and very rarely wants to be lefted alone home. She loves to drink in different bars and she only needs like 4 drinks to change her behavior very aggressive violent selfdestructive.
It starts usually when I am returning home from my workplace. I have saved her life so many times. In reality, with the right treatment, many people with BPD can learn to manage their symptomsand a substantial number achieve remission to the point where they no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for the illness.
By integrating specialized BPD therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy with other evidence-based clinical and holistic therapies within the context of a comprehensive treatment plan, it is possible to disrupt the emotional and behavioral instability of BPD and establish inner tranquility.
Along with individual and group therapies, couples therapy is often an integral part of healing from BPD, as individuals and as a team.
5 Reasons to NOT Date a Woman with BPD - Lycantheory
With the guidance of an experienced therapist who understands the unique challenges presented by BPD, you can create strategies for supporting your partner and yourself while nurturing and fortifying your relationship. As Dr. Because their emotion is all there, and acting that way is all they know, and then when you show them an easier way to be, and to act, they see how much easier life can be. At Bridges to Recovery, we specialize in diagnosing and treating psychiatric and emotional issues such as borderline personality disorder.
We provide compassionate and effective care in a serene residential setting so clients can focus on their treatment and recovery without the worries of external pressures and stressors. Treatment Specialties. View Our Facilities. Meet Our Experts. We are here to listen compassionately Our free, confidential telephone consultation will help you find treatment that will work for you, whether it is with us or a different program We can guide you in approaching a loved one who needs treatment.
Skip to content Admissions Search for:. Begin Your Recovery Journey. Struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder? You're Not Alone. We're Here to Help. Email Us. Passion and Fear in BPD Relationships Borderline Personality Disorder is a chronic and complex mental health disorder marked by instability, and interpersonal relationships are often the stage on which this instability plays out.
Although each person has their own unique experience, these are some common thought patterns people with BPD tend to have: I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I am worthless.
If someone treats me badly, then I become bad. NicolaMethod gmail. Most people assume that there must be something wrong with men who stay in relationships with women who have traits of borderline personality disorder, men who know the right move is to leave but who find themselves unable to let go. In Part 1 we explored the personality type associated with traits of borderline personality disorder, or BPD, and the unusual pattern of Dr. Hyde transformation that so many of these women go through when they enter a romantic relationship.
In order to understand the dynamic of this couple, we need to answer a very important question. What was it about this man that attracted a woman with traits of BPD in the first place? Just like there is a profile for the borderline personality type, there is also a profile for the kind of man that they often choose to partner with.
There is a specific reason why these women are drawn to a nice-guy type over other types of personality. You will find an important clue in the name we commonly use to label men with this kind of personality. This ability holds a special attraction for women with traits of BPD. She has an overriding fear of relationship betrayal.
Most people imagine that this kind of fear centers around the more obvious forms of betrayal such as infidelity or relationship abandonment. What they tend to overlook is the fact that betrayal happens on a much more subtle level every day in all of our relationships. Humans are naturally a little bit selfish, and we fade in and out of this slightly narcissistic mode as we go through life. Because of this tendency, our relationships pose a difficult challenge for us. These minor betrayals over agreements to make each other feel safe in the relationship and to keep things fair for both people are at the heart of most of our everyday arguments.
Minor betrayals are by no means deal-breakers, but they can definitely ruffle our feathers and hurt our feelings. But people with traits of BPD experience the minor betrayals in the same way we experience the major ones. Although we usually assume high emotionality would be an asset in a relationship because it motivates loving behavior, too much emotionality actually turns out to be a liability.
Passion and excitement may attract a future mate initially, but long-term relationships require self-discipline. The nice-guy type gets very high marks in the area of relationship safety and security. Their focus and commitment to their relationship keeps them on the straight and narrow. They rarely engage in these lapses.
She believes he will provide her with the kind of guarantee that she knows she must have in order to feel safe in a relationship. This is a guarantee that she will not be able to find in the average partner.
There is, however, a more ominous side to this seemingly perfect union. The Mechanics of Love Women with traits of BPD may appear to be capable of overriding their natural selfishness when they are in the throws of new love.
The romantic partner of the woman with traits of BPD will soon find that although she demands complete adherence to the relationship rules from him, she is incapable of holding up her own end of the bargain. Many nice-guy types are willing to accept these flaws.
This personality type truly enjoys giving and often find they need nothing more in return than a feeling of being appreciated. This fantasy usually comes to a crashing halt very soon. One of two things may happen. Either the nice-guy type will finally have a momentary lapse of selfishness, which she will experience as a major betrayal, or she will become so overwhelmed by her suspicious nature that that she will convince herself that he has betrayed her.
Either way, without an ironclad guarantee that she cannot be hurt, she will be unwilling to trust him again. This is often not the end of the story for the nice guy. Her fear of betrayal may be overwhelming, but it is no match for her obsessive desire for romantic love. She will often attempt to keep him from leaving the relationship. Her method of coping with her great longing for intimacy and simultaneous fear of being hurt can lead to a pattern of abuse.
By drawing him in close and simultaneously attacking him in an attempt to disable him from hurting her, she is able to meet both of these opposing needs. When we observe abusive relationships between nice-guy types and women with traits of BPD, we find that these men have an extraordinarily hard time leaving their girlfriends even when they know they should.
Why the Nice Guy Stays In order to understand why so many nice-guy types stay in abusive relationships with women with traits of BPD we must first understand a second universal human frailty. As human beings, we tend to assume that others perceive the world in the same way we do. We may know intellectually that all of us have different personalities, not to mention different life experiences and cultural backgrounds.
Both nice-guy types and women with traits of BPD tend to believe that the other possesses the same natural skills and deficits.
Nice-guy types are often convinced that the world is filled with people who love to give without expecting anything in return. They run into terrible problems with over-trusting. Women with traits of BPD are similarly convinced that no one in the world is capable of overriding their emotional impulses. They may not believe anyone is capable of selfless giving.
They run into problems with under-trusting. These opposites not only attract, they are so polarized that they stick together like magnets. The nice-guy type often cannot get himself to believe that this woman is no longer capable of giving back to him.
He becomes convinced that she is simply mistaken about his intentions. Because he believes in a world where everyone obeys the social rules of good behavior, he does not recognize that she is living in a world where although everyone talks about the rules, no one is actually capable of following them.
He does not know what it is like to live in a world where you believe everyone is on the take, where no one has enough self control to keep your needs in mind. He naively assumes that all he needs to do is prove to her that he is trustworthy. He is perplexed by defense mechanisms that most people know how to watch out for.
When he meets a woman who seems too good to be true, a red flag goes up. Because he knows better than to trust on face value, he will be much more likely to cut his losses when he discovers her true nature. The nice-guy type may remain in the relationship for years, naively believing that if he just gives enough, she will finally be convinced of his true heart and they will resume the relationship where they left off.
Part of the recovery process from a breakup with a women who has traits of BPD is to recognize that these assets are valuable and should not be offered to those who are not equipped to give them back in return.
It would be nice if the moral of this story was just that easy. A man in this position could simply learn how to not give unless the other person proves they are capable of giving back. Unfortunately, the woman with traits of BPD just may be the ultimate con artist, a person who fools herself into believing she can sustain a relationship as well as fooling you.
It would certainly make a happy ending to tell a man recovering from a breakup with a woman with traits of BPD to be wiser in the future about his relationships. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion. If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need.
If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a version of the intro guide here. Thank you so much for this article. I finally had the courage to ask her to leave. Your column helped me so much. Every other analysis labels us as equally dysfunctional as our bpd partner.
That label makes us less likely to leave when we should. There is a lot of misunderstanding about this subject, and it can be very difficult to navigate through decisions like the one you have just made. Situations like this can take time to recover from, but it sounds like you are on the right path. Best of luck! Women with bpd. I hate that i have made a child with her, cuz all she does it use my child against me to make me wanna stay.
I love my child so much, but cant stand my wifes behavior. What should i do? Can she change? Is it me? She blames me all the time for everything. I really need some advice on what the best option is for me, and my childs future. Please help!! Ernie, although this comment seems to be in response to Shawn, I wanted to let you know that there are options for people whose partners have traits of BPD which are not severe enough to quality for diagnosis. These individuals sometimes can be rehabilitated by their partners using very specific techniques.
I only recommend these techniques when there is a long-term relationship or children involved or a financial crisis upon divorce. If you are interested in trying these techniques you can download my free workbook for partners on my website. I am always available through email for any questions or concerns regarding these techniques. Yes, these are two great articles presented in a classy way.
Men in this situation should seriously look at walking away before they are into deep. Staying longer will make it more difficult and painful to leave. The more in twined the lives are the more difficult and painful to get out. Nice guys will take the abuse and overtime it will distort you. You might be able to stop the abuse by giving her doses of her own medicine, so she will think twice before doing it. You will see her strange pain and your nature will recoil at being involved in that.
The Nicola method and other similar techniques do work to lessen the conflict and pain. If you can get to that point, you can feel better and bring alittle piece in your life. You might lessen the conflict of the high conflict partner, but it will likely always be high maintenance with her. If the pain and conflict can be reduced, nice guys do well at high maintenance.
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Anyway, BPD is a Cluster B personality disorder that is rather common these days from my experience. According to a quick Google search, Borderline Personality Disorder is "characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or uthefoodlumscatering.comedictable thinking or behavior." I have dated dozens and dozens of women over the years.
Your writing taste has been amazed me. Thanks, really wonderful post. What i do not realize is in fact how you are now not really much more well-liked than you may be now. You understand therefore significantly in relation to this subject, made me personally believe it from a lot of various angles. Your personal stuffs excellent. All the time maintain it up! Just to preface this question, I am a 47 yr old woman. I have a girlfriend who recently got married for the 1st time at the age of 40 yrs.
She seems to have absolutely no self awareness of her outlandish behaviors. Thank you, Bibi. What a great description of a classic woman with traits of BPD. In answer to your question, yes, the woman with traits of BPD may have enablers in her life. And you are also correct that in her present state the chances that she would be willing to look at her hurtful behaviors are slim.
I hope you will stay tuned as I will be writing a blog addressing some techniques that can be used to stop a smear campaign that might be useful. Thanks again for sharing such a detailed portrayal of the high conflict woman! Like everyone, else we need and deserve love and although sometimes difficult, we can be wonderful partners. Noones perfect, not even you! Claire, Now that you are aware of you internal struggles, what changes have you made to manage these behaviors?
I believe I have BPD and am in the early stages of awareness and has sparked my obsession with researching about it. I was punched in the gut too when I read those last sentences. To me it portrayed a side. I wanted to see if my assumption was correct and it lead me here. I am only speaking for myself, that the day I realized this was bigger than me, my whole world crashed.
The heavy weight of the sadness for the damage I caused, makes it difficult to breath sometimes. I want to understand it, change it, manage it and accept it, without having to hurt anyone anymore or to be hurt myself.
So to those who have been hurt by someone with BPD, this is bigger than ourselves. I find you are right, you do deserve love, and are probably unaware of your actions and how they make others feel. The simple fact that you took the time to respond is a sign you do know something about it and are not trying to completely vilify others as some do. I tend to somewhat try to make my partner happy once a relationship of any magnitude has been established. I have been in relationships with 3 if not more people I would classify as BPD based on being just really smart, only one was diagnosed, however only one went to therapy.
BPD women I guess fit this mold from the start very well. With you you are searching for someone who can make you emotionally happy, when in reality for a man this is very hard to do in the long run. It simply mean I have no right to put everything I feel or do out of some emotional wave on anyone. It makes for a rather isolated life, at times. My therapist worded it perfectly.
Because you live with BPD. I see the hell I have put my spouse through. Not that I really painted him that way. He has stuck with me bad and good.
Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder relies on a partner to be submissive, adoring, and available to provide them with validation that they are superior. Treatment for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If you are aware of some of the warning signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in your partner, you need to take action. With this understanding of what makes the woman with traits of BPD engage in these destructive behavior patterns, let's now turn to the question of why so many men stay even when it's clear that the woman they are with is not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship. Jun 13, † Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a condition that affects the way a person processes everyday emotions and reactions. People with BPD are often impulsive and emotionally unstable. They may Author: Kimberly Holland.
My problem is I really feel that man deserves so much better. And not because I feel unworthy but because now I see how badly I have beaten this man down mentally. He is no longer happy but still sticks with me. Jenny, although the behaviors that may go along with BPD can be hurtful, they can also be stopped. You are on the road to recovery, and this may take a long time, but your spouse has the option right now of stopping the behaviors that he finds painful to him.
The Nicola Method has been developed to give your spouse the exact language that you need to hear in order to overcome your feelings of distrust during high emotion episodes. You will find a workbook for partners of high conflict women available as a free download from this website. This workbook will give your spouse step by step instructions on how to lower your emotions and reestablish trust during these episodes. You will still need to work very hard on your own recovery, but your spouse does not need to suffer as well.
I am also a woman who has a diagnosis as a high-functioning BPD. I have been in therapy since last year and also go to a codependency recovery group for my issues of childhood trauma and neglect. I also see a therapist to handle parenting challenges that we have esp for my ADHD son.
My kids are ages 7 and 9. My husband of 11 years has had it with me and wants out. I suggested he go to counseling as well to figure things out. He gets very angry and blames me for everything wrong in his life. I wish I could fix myself and save the marriagewe have 2 young kids.
I have a lot of knowledge about BPD. I take more than I give. I work full time. What can I do? No matter what happens, you will know you did everything in your power to save the relationship. As far as advice, I would suggest you familiarize yourself with my introductory guide to my method and my workbook which are both free on my website.
The methods I teach give you language that allows an angry person to say what they need to but focuses them in a way that is not hurtful to the other person. It gives instant relief to the upset person and opens communication channels. Anger in a family can be somewhat contagious, and partners and even children can get caught up in these cycles.
Your husband might not be willing to try anything new at this point, but you can use this technique to regulate his anger and if you write down the suggested language for him, he may be willing to say the words to you that will allow you to express your upset feelings in a less destructive way. This may give your family some relief so you can make important decisions in a calmer environment. For now, here are a few sentences that will give you an idea of how to make your husband feel respected.
You can use them during calm times:. You are really good with them. I really appreciate your input. They are lucky to have you as a dad.
Thank you for your well written informative posts on Understanding women with traits of BPD. I have been searching the web for months trying to understand and cope with the confusing crazy-making irrational behaviors of our 32 year old daughter.
We believe we are and have been loving and devoted parents to our three children. My daughter asked me to be her maid of honor and we had a close relationship until a few months following her wedding.
We have sound healthy relationships with the oldest and youngest child however our middle child has completely turned on us. Both my husband and I were walking on eggshells with our daughter. It was going from one conflict to another in every conversation. The crisis which changed our lives came after the birth of her baby a year ago. An onslaught of disrespectful raging,verbal abuse and fabricated accusations about our insensitivity to her needs left us speechless.
We have always done our best to support and parent her wholeheartedly with love. We have apologized to her for anything we did or did not do to meet her needs or caused her pain.
We love her dearly and feel great pain from the distance she has imposed on us for the past year finally resulting in no contact over the past two months.
We live at a distance in different states so texting and phone contact is our means of communication. With scheduled visits about 4 times a year. Lately she has told one of her siblings that she is considering reaching out to us. I welcome any resources, books or relationship techniques that will guide parents to reconnect with their daughter who has traits of BPD.
Thank you for this important comment. It is not only spouses or boyfriends that are affected by women with traits of BPD. As parents you are in a unique position to be able to help your daughter.
Although your closeness to her is triggering her fears and sensitivities, your ability to trigger her also means that you are capable of helping her get over the fears that are causing her to lash out. In order to do this, you will need to use very specific techniques to get past her defenses.
If you check my website menu you will find a page for a free download of my workbook. But as parents you can also use the techniques provided in order to help your daughter get over her fears so she can connect with you both in a healthy way. In addition to the information in the workbook, there are many blog posts on this site that you can refer to in order to understand better what is really behind her negative behavior.
Last year I freed myself from a 2-year relationship with a BPD woman. I still deal with the latter. We co-parent, which means some contact.
That is challenging. The girlfriend lives outside the Country, and I have established zero content. I certainly scared to date now. Unfortunately, nice-guy types such as yourself will always be vulnerable to women with traits of BPD. My best advice for anyone who is worried about ending up in another of these relationships is to learn how stop defensive behaviors of all kinds. This includes manipulative behavior, controlling behavior and abusive behavior.
Just as those who learn physical self defense become less likely to be singled out, those who know emotional self-defense techniques will also seem less attractive to this type of woman. You can learn all of the techniques necessary to stop these behaviors by going through the blog posts on this site or by downloading the workbook. These techniques work on anyone who is in a highly emotional state or who uses common defense mechanisms, and they are non-confrontational so you can practice on friends and relatives.
If this recurring problem has really got you spooked, establishing a solid friendship before entering a relationship can also be helpful.
Sometimes its good to read such articles as it puts things into perspective. I recently broke up with my fiance as I could not handle the double standards and constant abuse. Having said this though she has completely ruined me as a person and i would love to understand how one minute i was everything and now im her worst enemy and the cause of all her problems, really struggling to cope and its more sad to think after all thw torture i Would go back. What have i become? This article describes in perfect detail a five month long relationship I had with a girl with BPD last year.
It was without question the most crazy, intense five months of my life. I constantly fantasize about getting back together with her for exactly the reasons you state in the article. In particular, I feel that she misunderstood my intentions due to her relationship insecurities constantly accusing me of cheating on her, of talking about her, etc. On the other hand, you feature dialogue techniques that help to assuage the out-of-control emotions and thoughts that plague such relationships and that help to develop a sense of trust and security in the BPD partner.
By the way, your website, blog, and materials are really great. That is a really great question. The answer to which men should choose to stay in a relationship with a woman with traits of BPD and use techniques that stop the negative behaviors and which should leave depends on how extreme these behaviors are and how committed the relationship is. If your girlfriend is acting in defensive ways due to oversensitivity but in the rest of her life she behaves in a healthy way, then using these techniques to help her get over her fear of betrayal of you is a viable option.
Likewise, if you are in a marriage or have a child with a woman with traits, even if her problems are severe enough to be diagnosed, using the technique to stop the behaviors is also a viable option. They only stop the defensive behaviors that women with traits of BPD engage in with their relationship partners and with family members, which is only one of many cts of the condition.
Although there might be a desire for someone who is married or with children to preserve their relationship, it is not generally recommended for men that are looking for a healthy relationship but who ended up with a woman who is not emotionally healthy by mistake, no matter how enamored of her he may still be. The reason these techniques are offered is because many women with these traits do not begin the devaluation phase until they are in a committed relationship or have a child with their partner.
This leaves their partner in a very difficult situation. The set of techniques you are referring to are for committed partners or family members to be able to create a safe and abuse-free relationship. However, neither the pain a woman with BPD experiences in her everyday life nor her behaviors with other people will improve unless she gets help for herself. I just had to comment on how helpful I have found your writing and analysis. I shall in future however, many many thanks.
Many men are in your situation, and it is truly surprising how many women engage in this kind of behavior. The myth of the nice-guy type as an unhealthy or codependent individual creates an easy way out of dealing a social problem that needs some very serious public attention.
Without available resources and education on what causes this behavior and why it is so common among women it becomes very difficult for men to get the sense of clarity and separation they need to disengage and move on from these kinds of relationships. Personally im kind of surprised that no one commented about being a bit offended by this article.
I feel that you are stereotyping people with bpd unfairly. You are speaking about this is very general and negative terms, and honestly I wonder what the nature of your experience is with bpd.
I sincerely doubt you have it or you undoubtedly would be speaking in more sypathetic terms. If anyone reads this comment please understand every person is different and affected by bpd differently. We are people who feels things more strongly than you do who suffer from different forms of depression and anxiety highs and lows. May be you do not understand what bdp is. In the disorder the woman is gentle and laughing with you. An hour later, according to her shift in mood, is raging and attacking you We may not exactly blame the woman but truth is such a woman is damaging to the people in their lives.
I now know what to do and how to handle the situation -isaiah. You see, I understand the way I think and the fears I have. That being said, even if I am to fall in love, I would never pursue it, but force my feelings down. I understand that that is not healthy and that I am emotionally sick. And that is in no way forgivable. But to say that all of us are immediately abusive is a generalization.
Yes, we feel, and we feel deeply. I hate my affliction and wish I could rid myself of any residing paranoia. And I dislike hurting people so no dating and no casual err. Sincerely, P. Thanks for your comment. You have done a very good job in identifying this disorder at such a young age so you can get the help you need to heal from it.
I wish you the very best in your recovery. We lived together for 3 years and dated for I had not heard from her in a week since moving out. I tried to get her to open up as to why but she refused to discuss it further saying she loved me. Her cell ph acct came to my email address it how I caught her out and in the 4 weeks after our break she was in contact with 4 different men incl the cheater.
There is no way to tell whether she has BPD, but she certainly demonstrated the behaviors associated with it. For people who have the ability to treat others kindly it can be extremely difficult to comprehend this kind of destructive behavior. I hope you take heart in realizing that the relationship skills you possess are valuable.
Unfortunately, the mistaken assumption that most people have the ability to override their selfish interests to give to another human being can leave you wide open to being taken advantage of by those who lack these skills. In exchange for porn style sex,I believe she felt entitled and that any man would be lucky to have her because she is very beautiful and a pro with sex.
I did try 2 months after break but all I got was half truths,obsification and more gaslighting. However, if she does not have a disorder but is engaging in this behavior based on entitlement issues because of her beauty, then she may very well have simply found another nice guy, but one who is willing to allow her to use him without setting healthy boundaries as you did. Whether she has a personality disorder or not she is an abusive personality type.
It can take a long time to regain perspective and heal from this kind of relationship. Based on your last comment, I would say that you are at the end of your healing process.
I would agree with each of your assessments, and that kind of clarity and big-picture perspective is what finally allows you to answer all of your questions so you can be at peace with your decisions and start to move on. OR we can ignore the ills in our society and families that allow for trauma to be inflicted upon helpless children and then abandon them as adults for their loudest cries for help You decide.
Hope, why dont you go to a forum which supports bdp rather than commenting on one which helps surviving a relationship with one. I can guarantee that you would find an army of minions answering all of your Whys.
It has been the most traumatic and awful experience of my life. She was everything I ever wanted early on, but after three months and almost overnight, she changed from a loving, thoughtful, considerate human being into a completely different person and emotionally abused me.
The final straw was when I took her on an all expenses paid trip to beautiful Venice where she treated me terribly. I had the courage when we returned to end things as I was no longer willing to put up with her behaviour and I deserved a whole lot better. However, nice guy that I am, I relented and said I wanted to be there for her through this tough period in her life. Two weeks later, she dumped me on the flimsiest of reasons. Thanks for sharing your experience and your message of how important it is to try to disentangle from this kind of relationship earlier rather than later.
I found this website to be just excellent! This article perfectly explains my relationship to my wife in our very short marriage which has just ended in divorce. I have bpd and I have an honest question. I am amazingly beautiful, so much that I am up there in attractiveness as many celebrities.
Frequently, clients attempt to date me but I feel they are only trying to scam me out of paying for my service. Why should I change for a man? Then I also see so many married men calling for my services.
Many of them even ask for unsafe sex and they often perform uthefoodlumscatering.comotected oral sex, then go home to unsuspecting wife. Why should I make an effort to trust a gender that is mostly untrustworthy?
Oct 03, † Borderline personality disorder (BPD), on the other hand, is a personality disorder marked by instability in behaviors, functioning, mood, and self-image. Many of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. Dating can be a complex and tricky endeavor. Relationships require work, compromise, communication, empathy, and understanding. Things become even more complicated if you are dating someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Jul 03, † Dating a man with Borderline Personality Disorder With all these difficulties that come with loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, why would you want to date a man who has it? First, it's important to remember that despite these intense and disruptive symptoms, people with BPD are frequently good, kind, and caring individuals.
I laugh at sex addiction. Its just men being men. Men cannot love the way a woman does. So why? I feel like I do enough by being single and not hurting anyone. I also maintain my appearance and provide a pleasant service. You certainly get to choose how to live your life, and if you are not hurting anyone, then no one has a right to make any judgments on those choices.
Most women who are diagnosed with BPD want to change in order to be able to live their everyday life without debilitating pain. I understand your perspective of male behavior, but I disagree that all men are as you describe. If your perspective was accurate about all men, I could support your reasoning for staying emotionally disengaged from men.
My personal opinion is that there are many women who do not learn how to control their emotions who are destructive towards men, and there are also many men who do not learn how to get in touch with their emotions who are destructive towards women. It seems as though you have had a lot of experience with men who have this problem.
Thank you for the article. It was very insightful. I just finally broke free of a BPD partner after a nine month relationship, three month break up period, and 30 days of hell as she conned me into thinking there was a possibility of us reconciling.
This relationship has affected me in ways that no man could ever describe. I have searched the web for articles that can help me begin the healing process. Does she really feel, in the moment, the things she is saying, or is it a carefully planned manipulative scheme?
I truely never felt this connected and close to a woman before because of the things she said and interaction we had. It felt so damn real.
But in order to move on, I just have to know if any of it was real. The reason these proclamations of love are so compelling is that she is not lying.
She is not manipulating.
Dual Diagnosis: Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder
She will have complete belief in whatever emotional state she is in. What she lacks is moral maturity. She does not take responsibility for the consequences of her emotions. She may have kicked you to the curb in anger. But instead of looking at the consequences of this kind of push pull and stopping herself, she gives in to her emotions. We might say that she is using her partner because she is aware that she is pushing and pulling. It is emotional immaturity or the lack of understanding that she needs to control her actions.
Women with traits of BPD when they are in their idealization phase will actually be seeing all the good things about you. They are extremely empathic and can read emotions fluently. What your girlfriend may have seen in you and reflected back to would be your real qualities. So it does feel very real and in a sense it is. However, the intimacy which feels so comforting to a healthy person will be terrifying for her.
Her defenses will kick in and she will have to revert to her negative perspective of you in order to feel safe from betrayal or being taken advantage of. Thank you for the reply.